Between the Sheets – Naughty Church Humor

Sometimes, no matter how spiritual you are… you can get bored during the hymns or sermon.

Years ago a friend shared this naughty little trick with me to liven things up…at least for you.

Whatever song is being sung at the moment… just say the title of the song in your head… and add “between the sheets”.

Amazing Grace… between the sheets.

How Great thou Are… between the sheets.

Love Lifted Me…. between the sheets.

And one of my favs… The King is Coming… between the sheets!

And if it’s already passed into the Sermon portion of the service… well those hymnals are just right in front of you… hundreds of amazing inspired songs just waiting for… between the sheets.

Just if you get busted… you didn’t hear anything so irreverent from Lover of Passion here on WordPress.

Gay Men and Women can Never Have Sex

Therefore, (according to the facts presented in my last post) —Homosexuals can NEVER participate in The Act of Marriage and thus can never consummate the physical act of Marriage.

Homosexuality is a sexual act but it can never be The Act of Sex (also called the Act of Marriage).

I’ve steered clear of most discussions about homosexuality. It’s widely discussed in a wide plethora of avenues and outlets. The Bible is clear in both Old and New Testaments about homosexuality being a sin.

The Bible isn’t as clear about other topics such as masturbation or nudity, or even polygamy, but it’s very clear that homosexuality is always considered a sin.

22 “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.

23 “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.

24 “ ‘Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled.

—–Leviticus 18:22-24

18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness,
19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.
20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.
22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools
23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.
25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.
27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.
29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,
30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;
31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.
32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

—–Romans 1:18-32

I included the longer passage from Romans because I believe the entire passage describes not only God’s feelings towards homosexuality but also His heartbreak and subsequent anger in turning over a people (like the nations of the West), who no longer like to retain the knowledge of God anymore —-over to this hard hearted prideful worldview that we see and witness unfolding before us each and every day.

Most all the once Christian nations have kicked Jesus out of our schools, our governments, our homes and our hearts… and we are receiving the just “fruit” of what we have sown… As Billy Graham once quoted “We have sown the wind and we will reap the whirlwind”.

With the Bible being clear about the subject of homosexuality, I found it interesting several years ago while thinking about the topic of the last blog post. When I was first learning about what the Bible does and does not say about sex and nudity and passion and pleasure, I learned where the “line” is.

Most young people who are Christians, want to know just where the actual line between sin and passion lies! Can we make out with our girlfriend? Is copping a feel a sin? What about stuff like blow jobs, going down on your girlfriend, or even anal sex. We find this incredible beautiful world of sex, romance and passion and we want desperately to know where the line actually is.

Some of us, like myself, read I Kissed Dating Goodbye ” by the now infidel Joshua Harris. I spent five years trying to “court” instead of date. I don’t regret those years of focusing on Jesus and going to the best Bible School ever, The Brownsville Revival School of Ministry in 2000-2002. However after leaving Bible School and desiring to get married… I was really lost with how to practice courtship , when neither of my parents really “got” the premise. After five years of trying to practice courtship, I reverted back to dating.

At the same time I was just coming to the conclusions written here on this blog. I wish I could say that I retained the same purify dating as I had done practicing courtship. I didn’t know where the lines were and in my ignorance, I crossed several lines into sin.

The simple version of where the lines are with being physical in dating, is that anything that involves the contact of your penis or your vagina is a sexual act. I know that leaves groping bums and boobs, but I can’t assert that touching those non-sexual areas to be sinful. I believe there’s a pretty clear line that our masculine and feminine sex organs are definitely the actual “no fly zones”.

If you’re man handling your boyfriend’s cock or balls ladies, that an area God reserved to be touched by his actual wife alone. And the same goes for the reverse gentlemen. That’s our sexual body parts and touching those sexual body parts is strictly forbidden, except for spouses. Any touching or intentionally manipulating of the penis or vagina constitutes “a sexual act”. Any sexual act falls under the wide umbrella of acts considered to be fornication in Scripture.

All sexual sins can be summed up in two to three categories.

Let’s start with the two categories from the Old Testament: sinful sexual acts and sinfully commiting the Act of Sex.

All physical sexual acts would always include: bestiality, homosexuality, incest, rape, as well as ALL sexual acts that are committed with someone that you are not married to. Touching someone’s penis or vagina with ANY part of your own body, orally sucking, licking or manipulation of someone else’s penis or vagina, and anal sex – any of these acts or any others that I failed to mention that are committed with anyone that you are not Biblically married to would constitute a “sexual act”.

The second kind of sexual sin listed in the Old Testament is committing the Act of Sex (also called the Act of Marriage) with anyone other than your husband or wife is called adultery.

So in the Old Testament we are told to refrain from all sexual acts AND the Act of Marriage with anyone with whom we are not married to.

In the New Testament, Jesus tells us in the Sermon on the Mount, to not even imagine committing ANY sexual act OR the Act of Marriage with anyone with whom we are not married to. Jesus took the physical restrictions and told us not only to refrain from doing them in the flesh but also in our own minds. This is called sexual lust, when we imagine doing a sexual act or the Act of Marriage with anyone who isn’t our betrothed before Almighty God. The Old Testament clean/unclean laws were done away with in the New Testament, but in one of the only ways that Jesus “upped” the moral laws; He forbids us from even imagining doing these sexual sins.

So although you could list many sexual sins, they all fall neatly into three basic categories: Sexual Acts, Committing the Act of Marriage out of Wedlock, and The Act of Lusting (committing those physical sexual sins in our thoughts).

Going back to our title; because homosexuality is a sexual act and can NEVER be The Act of Marriage (interchangeablely called the Act of Sex), NO homosexuals can EVER consummate a marriage as it’s meant to be consummated. The Act of Marriage requires a penis AND a vagina. It’s simple biology (though people today seem offended by the most simple and basic human biology today).

This isn’t to say that homosexual’s “vows” at the mock weddings of today are valid either. Marriage is an institution created by God Himself and He sets the moral rules as well as the physical rules of matrimony. Satan can only pervert what God creates. Satan can NEVER create some new and good. He can only twist and pervert what IS.

Foolish people can call homosexual “marriage” valid and true, but in the realm of Authority, the highest Authority gets to make the rules. God is Always the Ultimate Authority and His Revealed Word, The Holy Bible, is His Final and Unalterable Revelation of His Law and Will. The Bible never once honors the perversion of homosexuality and is not silent on the topic as He is on many other topics. He revealed His Will what defines marriage and what marriage is in this temporal life. These millions of people saying otherwise is utter pride, which oddly enough is the first reason given in the book of Ezekiel as to why God Himself destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.

Look, this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: She and her daughter had pride, fullness of food, and abundance of idleness; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. And they were haughty and committed abomination before Me; therefore I took them away as I saw fit.

Ezekiel 16:49-50

So besides going back to telling a little of my story of learning the difference between sexual acts and the Act of Marriage and reiterating what lust is: We can clearly see that even though things are referred to as “gay sex”, all homosexual acts are “sexual acts” and can never be The Act of Sex or Marriage. Besides knowing that homosexuals can never engage in the Act of Marriage, we also logically know why that they can never fulfill the Act of Marriage, which if never performed after an actual wedding, those involved can never consummate the Marriage before God and mankind. Not only are homosexual “wedding” vows unattainable in the sight of a Holy and Loving God, but the second requirement for a marriage to be consummated in a Holy physical act in the sight of God can NEVER be consummated. The Act of Marriage always requires a penis AND a vagina.

The “champions” of perversion and gross immorality and pride can call a pig in a wedding dress a bride or groom until Jesus returns for His Bride, The Church, BUT calling a homosexual “marriage” real or legitimate in any way will NEVER make it real or legitimate in even the tiniest detail. Like calling men, “she” or “her” will never change biology or the Truth, though everyone on the planet agrees or disagrees. God’s Word is the Truth and it’s precious, unalterable and Holy.

The difference between the Act of Sex and sexual acts

The Act of Sex

I find there’s a good deal of confusion between the Act of Marriage or the Act of Sex and “sexual acts”.

The Act of Sex is simply when a man and a woman have vaginal sex. This is the actual Act of Sex. Without this act of the man penetrating his wife with his penis, No marriage is complete. If a couple doesn’t consummate their marriage, usually on the wedding night, then it is possible to have a marriage annulled – like the ceremony never happened.

Many cultures would wait outside the room, after a wedding, and check the sheets to verify (by the breaking of the hymen and subsequent bleeding) that the act of Marriage had taken place.

Technically, a true marriage covenant, requires BOTH a public ceremony of lifelong commitment before God and man AND The Act of Marriage (vaginal intercourse). This Act is only possible between One Man and One Woman.

This seems to be a prominent source of confusion in our day. However, the Act of Sex (or Marriage) is always considered the joining together of the penis and the vagina. Whereas sexual acts include all other forms of touching genitals with another person or animal (bestiality…gross!).

Whereas, sexual acts are ANY kind of healthy OR sinful sexual act that involves a penis or a vagina to contact any other human (or even animal). Sexual acts include oral sex, simply touching the sexual organ of another human being, anal sex, hand jobs, as well as the always deviant homosexual acts, bestiality, molestation, rape, etc.

This is a very important distinction and very important to remember.

sexual acts

When was the first time you saw a naked person of the opposite sex in person?

The first time I saw a mostly naked woman (no clothes except panties) was at a local strip club called Peaches in Valdosta, Georgia.

It took all the courage I could muster to even go in the darkened doors to the club. My heart was racing. I didn’t know what to expect at a strip club.

I had recently searched the scriptures about viewing nudity and couldn’t find any commands to “look the other way” regarding nudity or sex. Still… I was so nervous and excited in a way that is somewhat rare in life.

I remember seeing the dancers on the stage and it was utterly intoxicating… Seeing a naked woman is the most exciting thing in this life outside of my relationship with Jesus. I actually imagined Him sitting with me, because I was still new in my beliefs and didn’t want to go anywhere that He wouldn’t go with me. That really comforted me because as much as I love naked women, I love Him so much more as a Christian.

I don’t remember the girls dancing on the stage as much as I remember one of the girls who was walking around talking drink orders… she had never put her top back on and I was entranced to not only see this woman’s legs and soft feminine arms but her breasts called to the deep places in my heart…. here was beauty… here was romance…. here was Eros walking amongst mere mortals

I don’t remember many details as the years pass, but I remember this goddess walking around and her bare breasts so close that I could feel eternity beckon from the deep primal places in the heart that God had placed in my chest…. such pure intoxication…. such ecstasy to just “behold” raw beauty….beauty that pierces my heart and soul to this day…

Do you believe there will ever truly be Christian pornography or Christian Strip Clubs?

I was tempted to try to create Christian pornography recently. Would you ever consider hiring a nice looking married couple to pose and make love while you or a photographer filmed them?

Would you actually buy magazines full of nudity that had articles about the Bible and sexuality in them? Sort of a Christian version of Playboy?

Would you attend a Christian Strip Club if one existed?… I have so many many hot ideas for this idea?

Is there anyone out there with the financial means of funding or producing Christian Pornography magazines or investing in a Christian Strip Club?

I am going to write a book one day called “Controversial Christianity” and explore what the Bible does and does not say about several topics that are mostly considered sinful by large portions of the church…. some of the topics we’ll find that the Bible does actually condemn… and others it doesn’t…

Do you have favorite porn stars?

Foxy Di

I didn’t have favorite porn stars until Dillion Harper several years ago.

I’d prefer to see new women in most of the videos that I enjoyed. Just a few years back I also discovered Foxy Di and something about her just mesmerized me and I still watching her.

I also love Sheri Vi. I think I started looking at her because she reminded me of Scarlett Johansson…. that woman is fine!!

I still enjoying see new faces (and boobies!), but I still gravitate towards these few women pretty often.

A new face that I’ve only see about three times is from the WOW Girls studios but she just goes simply by Rachel… but Gosh she is Gorgeous

Rachel…Ahhhh…God is a Master Craftsman

Do you struggle with lust?

Do you struggle with lust? One of the reasons that I started this site was to explore the difference between watching nudity and sex… without imagining ourselves performing sexual acts with anyone who isn’t our spouse.

I did really well for about 12 years, but as my marriage disintegrated…i found myself imagining myself having sexual encounters with my therapist at the time, because I could sense she liked me as a Man… while it turned out that my wife loathed me in her heart for loving Jesus more than her (or anyone… kinda the heart of being a true Christian)

Rachel from Wow Girls

I slowly got things back to holiness and have struggled off and on over the last 12 years… even though it really does help knowing where the ‘line’ is and what lust actually is.

Do you struggle with lust often, or can you truly savor and enjoy sexuality and pornography and nudity without lusting after the women…or men if you are a woman?

Any good places to find sexy GIF’s?

Savoring

I had found a site years ago…it must have been Tumblr. I never had a Tumblr account, but I seem to remember them closing the site. Does anyone know of a good safe place to find GIF’s?

Unveiling

Taste the Rainbow

Would you?

Would you have sex with your spouse in the presence of another married couple also engaging in sex?

This question was poised to me recently…

“How do you feel about married couples watching each other have sex? No swapping or swinging. More like live porn. Do you feel like that goes against God’s design?”

Honestly, I think the idea is great. I think it may be much more odd actually doing it in real life rather than fantasying about doing it however. This could be more subjective. Someone may be comfortable doing this, and maybe when I was younger and felt a little more confident…idk…but I think I’d feel super self-conscious now in my 40’s…just from a basis of actually thinking about doing this with another couple (leaving aside the more Biblical side for just a moment), how would you feel about actually doing this dear readers?

On a purely fantastical version of this, it seems wildly thrilling. I wonder if most, if not all, have thought about this at some time. As a married man however, the thought of seeing a friend eying my naked wife, would be a no go for me. I’m not super jealous, but I am protective. I’d feel a knee jerk reaction to protect the most important part of my world. I would be hypocritical however, because of course I would enjoy seeing my hypothetical friend’s wife’s naked body.

I think for me, even before I turn to whether it would be right or wrong from a Biblical worldview, I would have to allocate this to pure fantasy as it seems filled with too many emotional landmines. Much like the article that I wrote about voyeurism/exhibitionism a while back.

How about you?

Now going back to the question about whether I feel that this would be against God’s design…I would have to say that there is no Biblical prohibition against this act (unless I’m missing something). This blog is based on the premise that you can enjoy watching nudity and heterosexual couples enjoying sex and masturbating with no Biblical prohibitions against these things. The Bible does clearly condemn lust, which is imagining committing a sexual act with someone whom you are not married. However, although the Bible doesn’t go into extreme details about every nook and cranny of our sexual desires, it does advise us repeatedly to use wisdom in our lives.

On that note, I would have to label this act in the same basic category as one of my last posts on nudism, as “not sin, but not wise”.

If you were worked up sexually and in such close proximity to another couple also sexually revved…I think sin would be but a hairbreadth away.

If our desire is to please God, I do believe we need to do our best to keep a few “steps” distance between ourselves and the actual sin…especially since sexual sin is very seductive (and even more so when we are aroused). Sorta like it might not be wrong to give someone a million dollars of your money in cash to deliver to the bank for you… You’re literally giving another human being who is just as fallen as yourself (as we all have a sinful nature), and giving them a huge temptation. Even if the person is extremely honest…Wow…it seems foolish to trust anyone with such a precious thing to you. In this case, it would be closer to each person giving a million dollars in cash to each other person in the group and asking each of them to deliver that valuable amount of money to the bank for you the next day, and they you.

Having a sexual encounter with four worked up people, all with built in fallen natures…and hoping things don’t go very wrong…seems much too much like playing Russian Roulette with your relationship with God, your spouse, your marriage, possibly your families future…that’s a lot riding on whether or not you all end up riding each other or each other’s spouses…

Ramblings, Marriage and Porn (and not in that order)

Two nights ago, my wife and I enjoyed an explicit movie together. Our marriage is frankly, … on the rocks. She is a survivor of unimaginable rape and molestation. It’s really hard being the husband of a sexual and emotional abuse survivor. We married for different reasons. I married for love, companionship, passion and romance. She married for safety. I am a kind man. I follow the kindest One this sin stained world has ever known, and they nailed Him to a tree… To be kind in a cruel world is not safe, but He led the way… My wife took my kindness and offered nothing in return, at least nothing that you marry for. She didn’t mean to, she’s just “survived” so long, she never dreamed of anything else… like passion, pleasure, romance and joy.

Our marriage is teetering on a dagger’s blade. Each day, I feel it could swing back to true safety, “feeling”… feeling alive together or it could crumble beneath us like sand underneath you as the tide licks your feet.

12 years is a long time to be with someone who doesn’t want to offer any emotions. In our “evolutionary mythological” mindset, we’ve all embraced in parts, we believe emotions to be unnecessary and to even be hindrances to life. That joke of a movie (though Scarlett Johansen is HOT HOT HOT) “Lucy” is a perfect picture. Our worldview held in part by a large portion of the entire globe is that human perfection is a supercomputer. All brain and no heart…

Yet, God says different, though ancient Stoics, gave our forefathers the same versions of the same lies. God offers us joy. God declares that His Kingdom is peace, love, and joy in the Holy Ghost (for those of you with more delicate sensibilities 😉 … I grew up a holy roller tongue talking Pentacostal 😀 and we had Holy Ghost meetings! ) God created us in His image, and He is nothing like a big brain, though He knows all things. No, God IS love. God wrote the Song of all Songs (The Song of Solomon). God declared to men to enjoy the wife of their youth and let her breasts satisfy him always! God said, that in His presence is FULLNESS of JOY and that at HIS right hand are PLEASURES FOREVERMORE! He is not a tame Lion (you lovers of the Chronicles of Narnia will understand me). God is wild as the wind. Strong like mountains. Gentle like a zephyr. And His passions blazing like an all consuming fire.

God created breasts! God created sex! God created cocks and pussies! God created the kiss! God is a God of PASSION. Our mind has it’s own joy’s, but as Blaise Pascal said, the heart has reasons that reason knows not of. I love learning new things, but only because I have a Passion to learn new things and “experience” Creation. Learning and the mind are only tools to increase our enjoyment of passion and pleasure, not as a substitute and never as a replacement.

So our marriage has been a barren wasteland for the entire 12 years this summer. That’s why for so many years, I have been thankful for the Word of God. While exploring the Word, I find no instances of God condemning enjoying nudity, or enjoying sexuality. He only tells us to stay true to our own well, our wife or husband. If adultery or fornication (sexual touches of someone else’s genitalia of any kind, outside of marriage), then Jesus set the bar one step higher when He said not to lust. Another words, He said that we shouldn’t imagine ourselves committing a sexual sin. But watching two other heterosexual people have sex is not a sin, not unless you imagine you with someone who is not your wife. That is lust. Pretty simple. Not this confusing mess we have in our churches today.

Please don’t get me wrong, I have high respect for our Puritan forefather’s and mother’s. They got so much right and we owe so much to them. I love reading their stories. Many of them helped found America and helped to make it a Christian nation (we are now backslidden obviously… but at one time we stood true. Even many of the original state constitutions included phrases pertaining to their founding such as “For the sake of the proclamation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ”. There wasn’t any of this multi-religion bull crapp  advertised today here. A large majority of our founders were Christians. I believe 95% of the signers of the declaration were Christian, and about half of them had attended some form of seminary). But one doctrine our Puritan forefathers and mothers believed, was that pleasure was the devil’s playground. Many things were preached against over the years by them that just aren’t scripturally true. Most things they believed were true to the Word. And to be fair, we probably believe some stuff that our children’s children will look back one day and see that our doctrine was off a little, because no one has it all right. We can have the heart right, the heart of the Gospel. And most sins are clearly stated, as well as God’s original intention for Eden, a paradise, that we all long for still.

But I believe our blanket labeling of so many things sexual as “sin” is still an after effect of our Godly heritage. The Puritans and many like them, were not only American btw, they came from England and many such denominations or alliances were spread throughout Europe (Moravians, Calvinists, etc.). They were afraid to look too closely, because they were afraid of not labeling something “sin” that truly was, such as homosexuality, adultery, beastiality, molestation, incest, rape, sexual acts (those involving a penis or vagina) committed outside of the sacred and supremely delightful sacrament of marriage (God’s original designs for marriage was the strength of commitment coupled with the beauty of intimacy) .

The proverbial baby got thrown out with the bath water so to speak however and many things that offered sexual pleasure (or pleasure in general) were labeled sin, without just scriptural reason, such as masturbation, enjoying nudity (in a safe environment; I don’t believe nudist colonies are wise at all), enjoying sexuality (there have been way too many discussions and commands from the church [not God] that if sex isn’t intended for procreation only, then it is sin), and so forth. If God has wanted any of those things labeled “sin”, He’d have done so. The Bible is really thorough.

Anyways, I guess blogs are made to ramble (at least occasionally). So after all that platforming, my wife and I have been trying to light the fires of passion in our marriage, because I believe pleasure, delight, passion, romance, and sexuality (all the intense “feelings” designed by God for marriage exclusively) will save our marriage… It’s been all structure and no comfort. All skeleton, and no skin.

Watching pornography is tricky to say the least. Viewing pornhub, youporn, and redtube (I know there are a few others that are free, but those have been my main three for whatever reasons) is a grab bag. You have to scan through a good bit of videos, to find one that’s heterosexual, one man-one woman, no anal (for those of you who like anal, I don’t believe it’s sin, insofar as anything that I’ve found in the Bible, it’s just not either of our preference), no weird hard bondage (once again, not sin, but this one starts to cross some borders of the heart of Christianity to me… light bondage, fun and exciting, real pain, gagging, and so forth, seem to indicate some sinful motive or possible molestation in my opinion), etc,. I stumbled across an actual DVD, several years ago, that I bought with our marriage in mind. I wish I’d bought more than one of it’s kind because I haven’t found anymore, when I went back to our local porn store, The Lion’s Den.

For those of you interested, it made by New Sensations and part of the Romance series. The one I bought was all tied up with ribbons and sprinkled with glitter (to indicate romance and that it would appeal to females in general I think). It’s called “The Wedding Day”.  The whole DVD is a loosely spun story of several people making love, or hooking up , on this wedding day. It’s the closest thing that I”ve found to family friendly porn (I mean that sardonically … if that’s the right word… sarcastic? anyway… I’ve been trying to improve my vocabulary to be a better writer [I’ve written two books and am working on two more. One of mine is actually published -though none of it covers the content of this blog, but pertains to passion for God, my first Love, and passion] If anyone is interested let me know, and I’ll message you the title….there I go rambling again… I need theme music today… that old hit, the Rambling Man…)

We’ve watched some porn before, but it always felt awkward. I really enjoyed it this time and she did as well. We both covered a question I think all husbands and wives would wonder if they watch porn together. Basically, we talked about that the reason that I enjoy watching pornography is to enjoy the women ( I mean you don’t some ugly guy like Ron Jeremy pounding a pretty girl… I don’t enjoy those, I just feel sorry for the poor girl, who really really needs money apparently). And I told her that I didn’t mind her enjoying the hunks, as long as no lust is involved either way. Earlier in our marriage, she was very intimidated by the fact that I enjoyed looking at beautiful women, as if it took from the fact that I consider her beautiful. It’s been a long slow process, to come to this point, but it felt really good to sit and enjoy sensuality together. Then after a couple scenes, we couldn’t take it anymore, when we were sitting naked beside each other and were both really turned on, so we escaped to the bedroom and enjoyed some lovemaking. Which is quite a new thing for us, because all these years, sex has been a very dangerous place for us so to speak… with her abuse, she is usually emotionally absent… and since I’m not in necrophilia, i’d rather fly solo, than have sex with someone who isn’t “there” and who doesn’t “feel” my touches.

Tonight, I gave her a full body massage and she seemed to “stay in her body” and I invited her to tell me during the massage without any pressure either way (because I love sexuality and romance, and believe both are vital[both side of passion, hence my username), if she desired a romantic massage or one that built up to sexuality. And near the end of the massage, she announced the proclivity to end in sexuality, so I pulled out the art of cunnulingus (not to be confused with the skit from Saturday Night Live [back when it was funny] Colonel Angus) and ended the evening with kisses, and an orgasm for her.

Those of you who read this, please pray for our marriage, I am serious about it lingering on the edge of a knife. It’s a rock and a hard place situation. I’ve tried to be very gentle and understanding. I’ve endured very bad emotional abuse myself, which seemed to cement in the message of the sexual abuse in her life “You’re trash”, “You feelings are bad, you are bad”. But I’m desperately lonely, in marriage. I thought if I read all the right books and did all the right things, her heart would eventually believe God’s Word and mine, instead of her abusers, but her heart has refused to budge for almost our entire relationship. And the loneliness, is bad enough, but part of her survival technique (that we call her “mask”) was always pretending to be okay, and never showing any emotions to her abusers. Both she and I had fathers who pushed all your buttons until you snapped and then once they knew were to push, they’d do it over and over and over. They were both true sociopaths (not just as in an insult, but they displayed no true emotions but constantly manipulated the emotions of others; especially their wife and children while they pretended to the outside world what great Godly men that they were). So displaying emotions of any kind was basically painting a target on your chest. And my wife had the added terror, that her sociopathic father anally raped her (which I don’t even like to type, but I’m just trying to be open and bare for a moment).

This is the cliff notes version, but her mask is starting to kill our marriage, and I don’t know what to do. So those of you who are followers of Jesus, I covet your prayers…

Hopefully, our story will fall towards the Light, as in these last two nights of genuine connection.